Miss Piggy’s Lament
Roughly sung to an out of tune ‘My Bonny lies over the ocean’.
[By Miss Piggy, John Apps’ windvane steering system]
1st Verse
Miss Piggy helms in the ocean,
Miss Piggy steers in the sea,
Miss Piggy helms in the ocean,
And I do it all for free, for free. I do it all for free.
Chorus:
Bring back, Bring Back, bring us back Safe-er-lee, safe-er-lee.
Bring us back safe-er-lee.
Alternate Chorus: [for Fine Ladies, cross dressers and others obsessed with shoes].
Slingbacks, slingbacks, slingbacks and heels for me, for me.
Slingbacks and heels for me.
2nd Verse
Ships pass to starboard,
Fishing boats trawl on the lee,
Ships pass to starboard,
But no-one invites me to tea, to tea. No-one invites me to tea.
Chorus.
3rd Verse
The skipper keeps the boat balanced,
The skipper trims the sails.
I do all the steering,
It’s me that never fails, never fails. It’s me that never fails.
Chorus.
4th Verse
The skipper drinks wine with his supper,
He has beer when it’s hot,
There’s whisky for medicinal,
Invite me to drinks, he does not! He does not!
Chorus.
5th Verse
We were knocked down in the ocean,
beyond horizontal it seems,
A lot of things ended up broken.
Me damaged? Not in your dreams! Not in your dreams!
Chorus.
6th Verse
Humpbacks breach in the ocean,
Dolphins swim by me,
An albatross flies through the rigging,
But no-one invites me to tea, to tea. No one invites me to tea.
Chorus.
7th Verse
The skipper tells me he loves me,
He often tells me so,
The skipper tells me he loves me,
Then disappears below, below. He disappears below..
Chorus.
8th Verse
Scones are made in the ocean,
Bread is made at sea,~
Muffins are made in the ocean,
But no-one invites me to tea, to tea. No one invites me to tea.
Chorus.
9th Verse
We had fog off of Nantucket,
We had fog south of Grand Banks.
The skipper kept blowing his trumpet.
I steered all the way with no thanks. No thanks.
Chorus.
10th Verse
There are ghosts out in the ocean.
I hear voices out at sea.
Djinns live in the ocean.
I’ve invited them all to tea, to tea.
I’ve invited them all to tea.
Chorus.
[‘Hey skipper, you’d better put on another batch of scones and get out the “Spirits”’].
